dear narcissist
I don’t like labelling people; the title of this poem is for convenience.
To have been accurate, it should have been entitled “dear person who is high on the narcissism spectrum and who once, for a relatively short time, was the love of my life.” But that sounded kinda’ clunky.
I continue to learn about the roles those who are high on the narcissism spectrum have played and continue to play in my life, and what I need to do to engage them in less toxic and more mutually productive and beneficial ways.
It’s a process that seems to involve a lot of heartache <3
dear narcissist
©2020 pookie
dear narcissist
i see with my eyes
my head and my heart,
heal lives with my spirit
stand alone and apart
i felt what you felt
when you cried in my arms
i tended your wounds
and succumbed to your charms
“i love you,” you said,
“you’re the soulmate I crave.
before you were mine,
i lived in a grave.”
i responded with hope
gave us all that i had
loosed empathic armour
in which i’d been clad
i loved you in sun,
in rain and in snow
held you up, laid you down
helped you to grow
you took all i offered
and flipped it around
devalued, discarded
crushed me into the ground
you controlled and cajoled
in a game so well played
laying narcissist blame
like a debt i should pay
when you were injured
you ranted enraged
making me breathless
and deathly afraid
you lied to yourself
and to me in the process
then cast me aside
when it was time for a recess
once and then twice
you hoovered me back
then a third and a fourth time
i stepped into the cracks
shame on me, i believed you
when you said “i want change”
i let you in for a fifth time
in a moment deranged
for awhile it was magic
we went on long rides
in the dream I still nurtured
we walked side by side
but the cycle remained
it hadn’t been broken
too little, too late
and the beast was awoken
a request for respect
god forbid I should ask
“you are toxic!” you bellowed
dropping one of your masks
you used and abused me
and left me alone
to gnaw on my hurt
like a dog with a bone
your abusive behaviour
isn’t anyone’s fault
it’s caused by stuff locked
in some dark inner vault
it’s the void deep inside you
the guilt, shame and pain
that cause you to act
as if you’re in chains
but that doesn’t excuse
the things you have done
the chaos you breed
or having to run
now i need refuge
but who will take care?
when winter sets in
and the cupboards are bare?
my solace is knowing
as I fall to my knees
i am strong and alive
i have set myself free
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© 2020 Susan Macaulay. I invite you to share my poetry and posts widely, but please do not reprint, reblog or copy and paste them in their entirety without my permission. Thank you.
